I remember my brother saying that parenting passes through these stages where parents only talk about one thing. First is the exhaustion. Then the diseases. I imagine there are milestones along the way (walking, talking, potty training), and then eventually activities, etc. Right now I'm in exhaustion.
I am just very tired. We took Sam to the hospital tonight to see the twins. Unfortunately, the NICU is also near where they keep sick kids, which means there are many "kid" features: an aquarium, a room with toys, a series of animals on the wall... So, the short story is Sam refused to go to the baby room. He wanted to trace the dogs on the wall or play with toys. He threw a full-on tantrum, which in turn made me very angry. Finally, we two gave up and went home.
Partly I am just tired because this is night number four alone with him, and Iam doing all of the get ready, drop off, pick up, evening, bedtime rituals is tiring on top of hospital admin, figuring out money, arranging housing, etc. work right now. I'm not a naturally angry person, so I know this is just fatigue, but I also don't know what to do about it. I've basically cancelled my classes for this week, but this means an "extra" lecture next week and possibly a class Monday evening. I really don't want to teach Monday night.
I can't complain that there's been a lack of help. People are really nice. Things are getting done. I am just having trouble keeping all of the balls in the air. I wish parental leave existed and was clearer. I know this is probably just dreaming, and we have far more flexibility than most people in their jobs, and I know people here would just work through the situation, but I'm really wanting to blow off everything else and spend the time with family. There's always a calculus on how hard to push, and how to balance family and work, and sometimes don't like the way the numbers add up. I'll come back to them later. For now, I probably should just get the two of us in bed and restart tomorrow.
3 comments:
sweetums--i am so grateful for this blog and your writing. you must be so, so tired. i can only imagine. and i can't believe there is no parental leave. that is crazy! so, just one foot in front of the other and you will make it. sending all the love in the world, wish i could cross the river and visit.
Chin up Dad! You are doing a great job, and you have every reason to be short on patience and temper and long on tired and irritated. I am sorry you don't have time off, that is truly nuts - especially in your situation!
I hope Emily's parents arrive soon and give you a break. Also, remember that Sam will totally be a great big brother. It just may take him a couple of days to really get that he is!
Get some rest. Tomorrow, thankfully, is another day.
Thank you Mieke and Mamie (these would have been great names if we'd had two girls). Today is a little better. Emily is home. Sam did very well. Some coworkers stopped in tonight. I may have caught something at the hospital, which would explain the tired and cranky. I'm hoping we'll have some days to get rested and get up to speed. Thank you for the words of encouragement!
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