2011

Three kids to raise, two languages to learn, several articles to complete, ten years of marriage in May, newsletters to write, sermons to preach, papers to grade, pounds to lose, organization to happen... OK, 2011, here we go!

A Merry Christmas

Christmas is wrapped up for us. In fact, I'm teaching tonight (as I did last Monday). Sam also went to school every day last week and will probably go every day this week. Christmas slotted itself gently into the weekend this year, and seems to have left us rather merrier even if life itself hasn't changed much. We're looking forward to the coming weeks. We actually get our bigger break in February.

Some updates:

-All five stockings were hung from the ceiling with care

-We have a fine Christmas tree

-Sam was most excited about new books--yay librarian kid!

-And he also loved the "dinosaur feet" from his aunt

-In particular, he likes his pop up insect book and his motion sports book

-The babies were looking very cute, and it was nice to have extra arms to hold them

-Sam's now 2 years 9 months and the twins are 8 weeks

-Sam likes to say "Merry Christmas Tree" and can already spot a Santa from a distance

-We've already gotten a couple of packages and more are coming

That's the news! More in a while...

Christmas Abroad

Students visit for an open house

Emily and the twins with a co-worker

Emily pointed out recently to me that this Christmas I am surprisingly upbeat. I think in Christmases past I've often felt burned out or lest than festive. Usually the holidays coincide with final exams, a lot of church work, and extensive travel (probably 30+ hours of driving). Taken together, and paired with the ugliness of shopping and packing, I'm probably not that much fun to be around. I also always struggled with decorating an apartment that we were going to leave as we headed west to relatives. (And as I think about it, tons of food I shouldn't be eating everywhere probably doesn't make me feel great either.)

This year, I'm finding that I'm really enjoy the holidays. Delayed grading (until January), no church work, and zero travel have quickly upped the general happiness quotient. Christmas is also in many ways a children's holiday. It's part of how we teach our culture to our kids, and it's one of the major festivals of the church. So some of the joy is in watching Sam participate in things and in dressing Eva and Eli up in Christmas outfits, buying presents, decorating a tree, etc., etc. Before I found a lot of Christmas obligatory, but now it's more celebratory. Does that make sense? I'm hoping my de-Grinchification carries through New Year's, the New Year after that, and marks a general term in temperament. As challenging as this phase of life is, I'm also finding it brings real rewards after a fair amount of struggle and effort.

I'm also genuinely excited about the worship services and campus activities, and I'm encouraged by the friendly outlook of students on campus. It doesn't hurt that it's in the seventies some days. Hearing the organ on campus and having a library just minutes away are also a plus. We still face many challenges, and I will no doubt return to complaining in the future, but for now I'm enjoying the Christmas season and the mystery it shares with us.

Christmas Party

The dancing man
Sam is a frog (jumping like this is something he's been working on for months)
Sam sitting flat footed, as is pretty common here (most adults can sit like this for a long time)
When the party started, Sam wasn't sure he wanted to stay with his class

We went to Sam's Christmas party at the nursery school last night and it was awesome in that way that only a children's party can be. It's been fun to watch Samuel really enjoy Christmas for the first time. He loves Christmas trees and lights and candy canes and this will probably be the time he gets the hang of unwrapping gifts. It's still magical to him. He can tell something big is happening.

The party was fun. We were a little worried about how Sam would handle it, just because it was during his kind of cranky time (late evening) and the first few minutes he looked bewildered. He wasn't up to lining up with his class at first, and came back to mom. They're really entertaining at this age, becoming kids but still a little confused by new situations. Sam had a great time, although several times he defected back to one of the two of us.

Christmas is definitely different here. The party had a mixed Christmas/costume theme, and there were all sorts of costumes. While Santa was probably in the majority, there was also a pumpkin, caterpillar, pumpkin, dinosaur, and several super heroes. Next year we'll have a costume for Sam. Here Christmas is mostly a big winter party, and usually comes a couple of months before the local New Year. In some ways this makes it all more relaxed and less stressful.

I love nursery care here. I think that the workers are pros--this is what their vocation is and they really love children. I'm also glad Sam is in a local school. His language is really coming along. He doesn't always like answering questions if people want to test him, but he knows and can say a lot and the community he has at school seems likes a healthy one. I think 18 months was about the perfect time language-wise to start. I know it seems a bit young for nursery school, but I think it was probably the more compassionate thing long term, if he can function and relate well to the place that we live. I'm hoping that after three years he'll have a base that will hold up with support during our return.

In terms of general quality of life, we really are doing better. I know we had basically a couple of months of wining, and we still have a rough time if Emily and I are both low on sleep. I think the twins/toddler combo is really a doozy and it will take us some time to recover. I kind of can't believe how all consuming it is. If it weren't for the fact that we lived on campus and had family help, we'd be toast. As it is, if the twins or Sam have a bad night and neither of us sleep well, it takes a while to recover. I'm always envious of people who can get by on five or six hours of sleep.

One of Emily's friends said it took her about six months to accept that she had twins. I feel like we've mostly adjusted to our new reality, but it's meant a big shift in our daily life and how we see ourselves. Nights like last night still remind me of how much easier things were when there were just three of us. At the same time, I'm coming around to this new identity: heading towards late 30's, pretty much settled in job, adjusted to "new" location (which I know about as well as many places I've lived), and parents to three kids. There are still wrinkles. We have a ways to go on language. Emily's degree and the writing I should be doing are both slowing down. Future adjustments will be rougher. Still, I think we're in a good place, considering what we've been through. The future is looking up.

A trip to the park

Last night we did one of our first "all family" trips. We picked Sam up at school and then went to the park. I think it will be okay. Our challenge now is getting three under three in car seats and in the car and into their humongous stroller. The stroller only fits in our trunk if we take off two wheels, and the car seats only fit if we carefully push the door closed at the end. We're at maximum capacity!

At Sam's school, many of the teachers and kids came to see the twins. A teacher joked with Sam about taking one of them home, and he screamed "no! no!" while stomping his feet. He's really shaping up as a good big brother. Afterwards, he helped Emily push the cart, holding onto the front bar and walking alongside. He's just such a great toddler.

Not much else to report. School life is generally good. Teaching is a challenge but is coming along. Living in a community is always a bit of a challenge. On the one hand, I love living near work, but it also means that I'm more aware of regular on-going conflict. This week we've had intermittent internet and a leaky roof, but both seem to be mostly fixed now. I'm not sure I like it when my employer and landlord are the same person. However... people are also very kind, Sam is thriving, and I can leave my door two minutes before class starts. It's also nice to be in a place where Christmas is a little mellower. We still have shopping to finish, but things are not so frantic here.

Pictures are of us in front of the school and of Emily and the kids on the go.

Updates

Babies have now passed their official birthdate and seem to be doing well. A little more about each:

Eli is very cute and is starting to pudge up. His face is already very round. He makes lots of grunting/straining sounds and seems to have some gas issues, but doesn't smell bad (compare with sister below). He is a pretty solid sleeper and a good eater. He has an intense look. He has little piercing eyes. Sam looked a little more curious or skeptical as an infant and Eva seems pretty mellow most of the time.

Eva is a good, if often stinky, kid. She feeds in little bursts and goes to sleep easier. She also has fewer gas issues.

Sam's playing hooky today because he has a light cold or sneezing. I think the grandparents just wanted to bust him out and play with him today. He is loving the attention and has already done basketball, tricycle and other fun things as of noontime.

Our sleeping system now is that Emily's parents give the twins a feeding as I put Sam down. Emily tries to sleep from early evening until middle of the night and I try to sleep from middle of the night to late morning.

Life has been a bit off lately. Our neighbors' house is being renovated, so we had jackhammers going next to us all weekend long. The internet has also been out for several days. We hope to have it back up and going again soon, which will make communication easier.

Last night we saw my old college roommate, Aaron, and his wife Sarah. They're newylweds, so it was fun to hear what they are up to and how things are going. He's here via the government. I don't think we'll see them super-frequently, but it's nice to have some familiar people around who are outside of this immediate community.

That's the news from here!

TMI

Every so often, someone posts something wildly inappropriate on facebook, like a picture of an open wound they have or something their pet regurgitated. This is kind of in that genre.

So, on Tuesday I had a vasectomy. It wraps up the pregnancy experience in some ways, since it cements us at three kids (give or take 00.5 failure factor%). I now round out the three of us who have had our bits and pieces messed with (Emily: pregnancy; Eli: circumcision; me: vasectomy). So far only Eva has survived intact.

I think it’s a good thing this is a once in a lifetime experience. It was more painful than I thought it would be and took longer, and may look worse after the local wears off. I definitely don’t recommend doing it in a foreign language, which makes the whole process a bit confusing (now what are they going to do to me?).

We decided on this for a variety of reasons. We have help now. Emily’s done the pill for longer than most. We’re youngish, and don’t want to have deal with fighting fertility for another decade. The ship sort of sailed on a tubal, a casualty of not great doctor communication and spousal delay. Vasectomy has several benefits: low failure rate, no chemicals, one-time deal, cheap, etc. We have reinforcements now, so it gives us support with recovery and transition. And it’s not something I wanted to think about a lot or read up on much, since pretty much every informational site is more graphic than this post.

To prep me, I was given two gowns, designed for much smaller people, which appropriately covered me front and back, although only to about mid-thigh (I felt like I was wearing a mini-skirt). I also was given a pink hat and blue socks and then wheeled into the room (I’ve immortalized the outfit with my iphone, but never plan to post the picture). The procedure itself, while described as “minor” and “simple,” was still pretty horrible. It began with shaving. Next up was local anaesthesia, which initially was not up to the job. After more poking and jabbing, there was cutting, pulling, twisting, clamping, and, apparently, burning. It took about forty or fifty minutes. It would have been nice if there was something (TV, radio, anything) to distract me from what was going on. Instead, I was fully involved in the whole experience. A positive is that I think I had a good doctor, a urologist at a hospital who has done a lot of these, so hopefully that is helping with recovery.

Eventually I believe I’ll be glad I had it done, but, wow, not a fun experience by any stretch of the imagination. Two days later, I’m doing fine and taught class this morning. I hope there are no follow-ups or after effects. Everything legit I read says it’s a reliable procedure with very low rates of complications, but every time I do a google search I end up with page after page of horror studies about lifelong testicle pain, gangrene, impotence, etc.

So, I hope this was helpful to someone! Be glad I had no pictures to post. If you get a chance to toss a tubal in during a c-section, I highly recommend it. If you go with the V, ask for as much pain relief as they’ll give you.

Week 3

Twins are both 2.5-.7 kg and around 16 inches (we have a metric scale but English tape measure). Both are cute, but are still feeding basically every two hours. I'm feeling a bit more put back together, but just as tired. The "put together" is my longterm effort to make sense of what has happened and how this will develop in the coming weeks.

We have so much to be grateful for: supportive families, good campus, day care for eldest, jobs, job flexibility. This also is only for a finite period of time. And we have (kind of) done it before.

I'm up now because I'm sleeping strange. I may take the kids and see if I can get Emily a block of sleep. Off I go...

Reinforcements have arrived

I am slowly exiting the cave of baby exhaustion. I think this has actually been a much easier transition than it could have been. At the same time, the cycle of

get Sam readyàgo to hospitalà return from hospitalà get Sam à return to hospital (do some work sometime)àgo home and get Sam to sleep

was getting old quickly. The two were in the NICU for ~ 10 days. Things were relatively smooth, but navigating a hospital in a foreign language is a pain. The good thing is I can now say words like: wheelchair, injector, ultrasound, surgery, and anesthesia.

The babies are amazingly cute. Eli looks liked a cloned Sam, but smaller. Eva reminds me a bit of one of her cousins. They are both now sleeping in Emily’s snugglenest, which sits in the bed next to her. Sam and I share a room, and he is mostly a good sleeper. Emily will probably repeat the pattern of last time, where she gets twelve hours of really bad sleep every night. Emily is producing a prodigious amount of milk and rapidly shrinking to her former svelte self. (Me, not so much.)

The grandparents are here, which is a big help. They are great during gap times (getting Sam off, arriving home) and help tremendously with all manner of household problems (changing lightbulbs, cleaning dishes, etc.). Surprisingly, I’ve cooked dinner the last two nights. They are enjoying this cool, green, and sunny city.

OK, but I’ve gotten just a bit of backtalk from people about the sleep complaints, linking to the articles on paternal postpartum, etc. At this point, I want to clarify that this is that rare breed of a blog, written by a quasi-at-home, but really should be working a lot, dad, and that as the de facto translator, transporter, and baby diarist, I will be doing a lot of complaining. Emily had her own blog post once, and she wrote six basically six mini-novellas over a year and then stopped. If you want regular updates, it’s got to be, mostly complaining about sleeplessness and how hard I am working.

Things are looking up this Saturday.

Eli

Eli

Eva

Eva

The babies are coming along. Twice today I dropped off milk and visited them. They're a lot more active now that they are out of their incubators. I held them for over an hour this morning, while they worked on the hearing test. (Which apparently involves some sort of hand held scanner and little sensors, but requires the babies to be asleep.) To get them sleepy for the test, I fed one while the nurse fed the other. They're up to 40-45 cc per feeding now, and are regaining weight. They are to come home Monday, which will let Emily's parents arrive and get partially settled.

The pictures above are phone pictures, but I will have better ones soon. Emily and I are both pretty tired, but hopefully will bounce back soon. I had a few hours to work this morning and time for a nap this afternoon, and together this, plus visiting the babies, seems to have improved my outlook dramatically. We still have a lot to figure out--car seats and sleeping arrangements, etc., but things have really come along. Today Sam was able to play with the neighbors. Folk on campus dropped off meals twice. We will get there. It helps to see their sleepy little heads and to enjoy a day with the big brother. All things in time...

Eva Video

And here's Eva...

Eli Video

A short video of Eli I took this evening

Back to the first stage

I remember my brother saying that parenting passes through these stages where parents only talk about one thing. First is the exhaustion. Then the diseases. I imagine there are milestones along the way (walking, talking, potty training), and then eventually activities, etc. Right now I'm in exhaustion.

I am just very tired. We took Sam to the hospital tonight to see the twins. Unfortunately, the NICU is also near where they keep sick kids, which means there are many "kid" features: an aquarium, a room with toys, a series of animals on the wall... So, the short story is Sam refused to go to the baby room. He wanted to trace the dogs on the wall or play with toys. He threw a full-on tantrum, which in turn made me very angry. Finally, we two gave up and went home.

Partly I am just tired because this is night number four alone with him, and Iam doing all of the get ready, drop off, pick up, evening, bedtime rituals is tiring on top of hospital admin, figuring out money, arranging housing, etc. work right now. I'm not a naturally angry person, so I know this is just fatigue, but I also don't know what to do about it. I've basically cancelled my classes for this week, but this means an "extra" lecture next week and possibly a class Monday evening. I really don't want to teach Monday night.

I can't complain that there's been a lack of help. People are really nice. Things are getting done. I am just having trouble keeping all of the balls in the air. I wish parental leave existed and was clearer. I know this is probably just dreaming, and we have far more flexibility than most people in their jobs, and I know people here would just work through the situation, but I'm really wanting to blow off everything else and spend the time with family. There's always a calculus on how hard to push, and how to balance family and work, and sometimes don't like the way the numbers add up. I'll come back to them later. For now, I probably should just get the two of us in bed and restart tomorrow.

A long, long, long day

So, I had planned to write a lot more today, but then it was a bit of a hurricane. Solo-dad, trip to daycare, cab to hospital, visit babies, go to lunch and get lunch to go, run milk to and fro, consult with the consultable, cab back to day care to pick up big brother, return to the hospital, buy big brother chocolate milk and convince him to visit mom (after he's demanded "no mommy," since he wants to play), watch some tv, meet friends for dinner, give up on dinner because big brother is having an even rockier day than the rest of us, go back to meet wife for dinner with take out, surprise--some church visitors, surprise--pastor stopped by, surprise--campus visitors, go to see babies, talk to nurses and doctors, say bye to some visitors, go downstairs for present unwrapping, say good bye to others, reassure wife and check on possibility of an extra day in the hospital, get big brother packed, get to parking lot, pay parking, drive home, big brother is breaking down, dad is tired, helpful neighbor saves the day dropping off meals, but big brother is still breaking down, hurried change of clothes and spot-wiping, bed time for big brother, clean dishes, unnecessary internet surfing and snacking, blogging...

Names

OK, about the names. Names were hard for us to decide. I think I was looking for something in the prophet family, but then none of them seemed quite right. We liked Elise for a girl, but then something didn’t seem quite right. We wanted assonance for the names. I liked Eve; Emily liked Ava. Ava is ridiculously common in the US now and I didn’t really love it, and Emily didn’t like Eve, which would have been only one syllable. In the end, we picked two-syllable names starting with E. We liked Eli a lot because it continues a run of figures from the Samuel books: David (brother), Jonathan, Samuel, Eli. We appear to be going in reverse order. If my kids have kids, maybe some Judges or Joshua figures? The middle names are both family names. All three of our kids have a grandparent name for the middle name. We’re sorry we couldn’t do all eight, but we like the three we’ve used, which are all classics.

So, we did settle on the names and I hope that our logic makes sense in explaining how we came to them. Since we didn’t finalize them until the babies arrived, we are still only learning them ourselves. Yesterday I took a beautiful video of Emily singing a favorite song to Eva, but then she botched it at the end by saying “Samuel” instead of “Eva.” I am remembering that we often mixed up Sam’s name with the cat. I hope that Eli and Eva are different enough that people won’t be continuously confusing them.

There are other continuities I am finding. I'm very grateful for Emily, Eva, and Eli. (And Sam too!) I think the names will lend themselves to translation. Literary and historical versions will no doubt appear over time. And now that they have the names, they can make them their own.

I meant to post this yesterday, but then I fell asleep

Monday

A good day so far. This morning Sam slept until almost 8:30, after staying up quite late last night. He’s actually doing very well. I quick did a load of laundry this morning. Our house is still a wreck, but will improve soon I hope. A friend came over again and played with Sam while I put trash out and got Sam’s bag ready for school.

At the hospital, we are doing well but are just very tired. My eyes have that exhausted feeling to them. I think we’re all a bit out our element. On the flip side, Sam is adapting well and Emily and I (okay, yes, mostly Emily) are recovering. She can stay until Wednesday morning, it seems, which gives us another day of easy proximity to the twins and a better rest location for Emily. We have a nice room here, but our roommates are getting a huge flow of guests, and they like to leave their light on at night. I think Emily and I are already into the “awake for a while, then sleep a couple of hours.” I don’t know if this is because of the roommate situation or just biology getting us ready for the weeks and months ahead.

Tonight I’m going to get Sam from daycare a little late and then take him to a neighbor’s for a few hours. I’ll quick pop back in this direction and check on Em and see the kids.

This morning was very nice. After I dropped Sam off I came directly to the hospital. Today I was able to hold Eva for quite a while, which was just very nice. When I came in she was fussing some. After I held her and repositioned her she seemed to have some gas and then fell asleep immediately. I usually sing to them or try to explain how the day has been. They’re still such little creatures at this point. Eva’s already off of the bigger tubes and now just has the plastic tube to the nose. They’re both eating well and will go from 40cc/day to 80 cc/day. They get 10 cc/ milk + formula every three hours. The nurses, doctors, and other staff are all very nice. Emily has enough milk that she is starting to pump today. I think all of the signs are pointing towards progress. Emily’s only problem now is high blood pressure, which she didn’t have before but which sometimes appears after giving birth. It may just resolve itself naturally with time, but it means she was a little dizzy earlier and needs a lot of rest.

Tonight I’ll pick up Sam a little late and then take him to our friends for dinner. I’ll come back and be with Emily and we’ll both go to spend our evening time with the babies. Then I’ll return and stay with Sam again overnight. That is the plan at least.

Saturday and Sunday

I’ve just been to see the two. Sister is doing well. She had her eyes closed and was sleepier this time, but was still chewing on her moisture stick. She was doing the baby “frog” position (is this what it’s called?) with her arms above her head and her legs bowed. She’s actually the one in the pictures with the blue towel.

Brother had his eyes open this time, which was a first. He clearly responded to my presence and seemed to be doing well. I also sang to both of them, held their hands and feet and rubbed their bodies, and they both seemed responsive. They’re very red—surprisingly red—which surprised me, but the nurse said that this is a good thing. It was fun to see the boy look at me. I was wearing a mask, so I don’t know what he’ll make of that. I remember I shaved my beard with Sam in part because I wanted to be more expressive with him.

Earlier today I got home for a while. I had lunch with the family watching Sam, then came home, and promptly fell asleep. Sam was very enthusiastic about lunch because they made a big tilapia, and gave him lots and lots of fish. He ate pretty much all fish. It was nice to have a home-cooked meal. Sam fell asleep as I was leaving. As of tonight at 9, I haven’t heard from those he’s staying with, but hopefully he’ll be able to sleep there okay. I felt a bit guilty heading back this afternoon because it meant leaving Emily alone at the hospital for a few hours. She is sleeping A LOT, which I think surprised her. However, after a mostly sleepness night following a full day and major surgery, I expect she has a lot of sleeping ahead of her. (And I probably do too.) I don’t usually sleep great at hospitals. We may have a single room tonight, which would be very nice.

I like the hospital situation in Taiwan. I was realizing how challenging it was with Sam, when we were both busy and struggling to learn something totally new. In many ways this is a comparable challenge, but the community is a bit smaller and probably knows us better. I really loved the community in NJ and we still miss it, but this community is also pretty impressive. It’s nice to know that we’ll have more than 2 days here, and the nurses are more hands on with the babies. This means they have stronger opinions, but they’re also more encouraging and engaged (perhaps just because there are more of them). Every time we go there’s a resident or doctor to talk to and I get to spend a nice amount of time with each. It’s also nice to be in this location, which is a $4-5 cab ride from the school and where there are lots of restaurants, 7-11’s, etc. I may actually go catch a late dinner here in a little while.

In a few hours, they can start feeding the babies. This is a good improvement. We have to pick a formula, which I’m not thrilled with, but we’ll do our best to get them formula.

4am I am having trouble sleeping now, probably a consequence of two earlier naps and a fair amount of time resting. Or, maybe, it’s the biological expectation of waking and sleeping? Either way, it’s hard to concentrate. No wireless in the hospital, no one to talk to, and I don’t feel like doing real work.

Things are basically okay. I always struggle some with medical systems. I see several challenges in the system: (1) medicine relies in large part on a law of averages—what works best for the majority of patients; (2) the prioritization of physical health sometimes come at the expense of the spiritual, inner, or even just community life; and (3) medicine is fundamentally work, so the normal challenges of human relationship and culture apply. Per #1, I think that the system has to establish baselines, which are always frustrating for the individual. Example: I would like to be feeding them myself at this point, but this is regulated by nurses and doctors. This is frustrating, but I also understand that in a NICU you have to limit the number of people just “hanging out.” I don’t really like this, but I am trying to live with it. I also think that since the babies look healthy and well-cared for, and I get some time with them, this is probably a reasonable system. For #2, I feel like minute risks often trump general health and well-being. Hospitals here often include a required period of observation, sometimes one or more days, where the babies don’t stay with the parents. Don’t really like this. Our hospital is accommodating, but being in the NICU puts us back into a more complicated, regulated system. Here this also means that I couldn’t be at the c-section, which freaked Emily out some, and in general am more limited than I’d like. Ideally, they’d have found a way to have at least the sister in Emily’s arms for feeding now, but between catheters, pain meds, and different floors it will probably wait until tomorrow. #3, I think people here really are exceptional, but they’re still basically doing a job. It’s a job they’re good at, but sometimes they are pushing an idiosyncratic preference or ideal.

These things play out in the context of things like breastfeeding. The hospital has done essentially zero training or work with us. They have a lots of signs and posters, but on a one-on-one level they’re not a huge help. They seemed a bit annoyed, or maybe just surprised, that we wanted to avoid a pacifier and bottles at first. They also don’t really seem invested in getting colostrums to the twins. Emily is expressing milk now, but it’s all in little tiny amounts, one or two milliliters every few hours. Over the course of a day, this is a fair amount, certainly enough for one infant and possibly for two. I also was surprised that NICU babies don’t get any liquids for the first 24 hours, but after this I think they will be pushing formula. All hard to figure out. Anyway, we are doing okay. We’ve found a way to get the milk to the babies, but at some point we’ll have to figure out how to work out feeding, formula, etc. I think Emily probably capable of feeding twins, especially since she was nursing Sam until a few months ago. Nonetheless, it may not be in her (or our) best interest to have her trying to feed two infants eight to ten times a day for a half-hour each time. It may not even be possible. But we’re going to try to keep up on the pumping and hopefully head towards more breastfeeding soon.

I know this probably seems like way too much reflection for fairly standard topics. I think I’m trying to figure out all the new life permutations here. Family transitions compounded by culture, more people, etc. Sam seems very happy, but I probably won’t know until tomorrow exactly how he’s doing. Emily is doing well, but I know what she’s doing/has done/ will be doing is just monumentally difficult. Our twins still look like a bit like they’ve taken up scuba diving, what with all of the pipes, pumps, and machines. And we’ll have family here soon, which is good but brings its own challenges. A lot to take account of. I hope that things improve in the coming days. I probably need to do a lot of sleeping on Monday and/or Tuesday.

Some positives: everyone is basically healthy; the hospital is near the church we attend; we have a great supportive community; one class was already off this week and the other one I have a back-up activity I can use; support is coming, and in the mean time we’ve helped bring some co-workers into the process… It’s all coming together, but still hard to sort out at the exhausted husband and dad level. Thank you all for the well wishing and support. Thank you also for listening to me as I try to work out the mysteries surrounding us.

7 PM Sunday

A good day today. I slept in the afternoon. Emily was able to hold the boy for a while this afternoon. I saw them this morning and we can both go to see them again in about a half hour. They are looking good and their breathing is smooth. We can do “kangaroo care” skin-to-skin contact in a few days, and Emily’s be able to feed them directly after that. Her milk seems to be coming in soon. She went from one cc yesterday per session to five cc at the last one. Here they feed 40/day x 2 kids, so it will still be a while, but she may be able to do most or all of the breastfeeding (which would be nice, but may be a bad idea given the nature of twins). Our doctor checked in this morning, which was nice. So, all in all, we are doing well.

I’ll check in shortly once I see how Sam did today.

1 AM early Monday

Sam is great! He was playing with our friends and seemed very happy. He was almost reluctant to go home. He seems to have briefly forgotten he has a mother—not sure what to make of this. I will take it as a sign that we are raising a child who loves the world and is fairly trusting that things are okay, and is happy to enjoy new friends and deepen old friendships in the interim. Is this too much to imagine of a toddler? He really is doing very well.

Our apartment, however, is a bit of a wreck. It’s good that there’s no protective services for apartments, because they would definitely take this one away because of neglect. It has a fruity smell, owing to fruit left in the sink, and clothes are strewn throughout the house. I’m catching up on all the detail work now—finishing dishes, boiling water, starting or finishing laundry, etc.

I’m pretty much toast right now. I’ll post this then head to bed. There’s a lot more I could say. I haven’t written about Sam running around naked as we threw together the bags we took to the hospital. I haven’t described Emily’s, um, interesting postpartum meals at the hospital. I haven’t described the process for entering the NICU or the quality of hospital convenience stores. All topics for another evening.

Smaller Babies for a Bigger World

On Thursday, Emily thought she might be losing her plug, but said that after this it can still be weeks. However, yesterday evening, a little before 8, her water began to break. We greeted the news mostly with anxiety. Luckily, I’d just seen our designated Sam watcher, and she came over quickly. I also called two of the other professors, who started to arrange for things. We hurriedly packed and tried to get things in order (transferring laundry, getting things for Sam ready, putting together our bags). Emily at this point was around 35 weeks and 3-4 days. At first she was convinced it was still week 34, and we found ourselves trying to quickly review original plans and possibilities. A colleague came to drive us and the spouse of another went with us to the hospital. We were greeted by four or five nurses and a doctor, which was an encouraging sign. We began filling out paperwork, and we tried to figure out how we wanted to do things for the birth. Emily had assumed a c-section would be necessary, but the boy was head down. We were both, however, sort of terrified at doing full labor with preterm twins, and the doctor recommended a c-section. At the time of the delivery, the boy had already shifted again, so perhaps this way to go.

I don’t know quite how to discuss the pacing. I feel like the last twelve hours have gone very quickly, with a series of things to do. So, after the decision was made, Emily went in for the c-section while I stayed with the coworker’s wife. (Emily tells me that she was a little panicky with the anesthesia, just because it was such a strange procedure and she had an imperfect grasp of what was going on; however, she also says it went quickly, and when the babies came out they were crying, but calmed at the sound of her voice.) Emily was out very quickly, and we briefly saw the babies. We had to wrap up registration procedures, which included visiting several floors. Maybe forty minutes later I was able to see the two. The girl came a minute earlier and was a little heavier, and she is in good shape. She’s in the less intensive room, is clearly breathing well, and is moving around. I was able to touch her arms, chest, legs, and face. She seemed to like it. The boy looked very sleepy and was not moving much, but should be okay. Initially, he still has “wet lung,” and they give extra oxygen. They’ll probably be here at least a week, perhaps a tad longer. They’re both good weights, but I think that people here forget that while 5 lbs may be pretty normal for local kids, we’re used to bruisers. Compared to Sam, they both look small, and I still can’t quite believe they are out.

Initially, I’ll be able to visit twice a day and Emily will be able to nurse as able. She’s started expressing colostrum already and will hopefully begin feeding the babies tonight. It feels strange to not be sitting next to them a lot of the time, as with Sam, but they didn’t look anxious and I think the care here is good. We’re close to our church, which will be nice tomorrow, and we’re getting some rest. I’m going to try to take a nap with Sam this afternoon before we head back to the hospital. Basically, all is well, but it will take a while to get the hang of things. I know realistically that they are not that small, and that, indeed, we could have scheduled a c-section for the end of this coming week. But I still feel bad that they’re tubed and confined and small. May the coming days bring them better health.

Sam is well. He stayed with the coworker and she said he did pretty well. He woke up a few times, but then slept until 8 today. He's with our old friends we knew in NJ and seems to be doing fine. We probably won't bring him to the hospital for another day or two...

34 Weeks

Emily's officially 34 weeks today. This is a big step, since we have been told that "34 is the new 37." (Thanks Anna!) We're hopeful that Emily will make it to 37 or 38 so that her parents can arrive and settle a bit, and so that we have more direct support for Sam when the twins come. At the same time, we're glad she's made it into a presumably safer phase. It feels as if Boy has now turned head down, but we won't know until our next appointment on Friday. It would be good news, although it would also reintroduce more choice and agency into the process, which means making decisions.

Still no name decision. A possible boy choice would have the initials EWS, which I'm not sure about. We like Biblical prophetic names, but we also know gazillions of children with those names. We've wrapped up language for a few weeks. At first it felt like I was missing a part of my day, as if someone had cancelled morning or afternoon, but now I am excited that I have time to do my own work and to prep for class without feeling entirely frantic. I still don't know how to feel about this semester. I have help now on language, which is a big improvement, but it's still a stretch for me. Essentially, I can prep full lecture notes OR powerpoint OR an outline, but not all three. I am also more academic than practical, which I know will be a growing edge, and I'm not really sure what is most helpful for students.

My professional life has also been shaken a bit by the realization that my immediate USA boss has resigned, is wrapping up his work and will be replaced (or not?) at some point in the next weeks. I feel like Denom is becoming a ghost town, able to receive e-mails and provide a word of encouragement, but not necessarily a lot more. Of the six or eight people I worked with during orientation, probably half are moved or gone now. The upside is that I have a lot of freedom, but I also get very little feedback. Sigh...

Sam is mostly charming. He is developing a mischievous side, and an iron-strong toddler will. He's very taken with an older coworker, who feeds him chocolate and walks him around campus. Any time he's allowed out he tries to visit her. It's a good arrangement actually, because she's also a foreigner so we are all a bit in our own bubble. He will need some personal fans when the twins come. He can say "no" to pretty much anything, and cycles through categories of foods he will eat. He gets tired at night UNLESS you take him somewhere new, in which case he gets wired, exploring and babbling in the new environment and looking for anything breakable. Actually, he's very good with strangers, but as parents we always feel like we are taking a half-housebroken pet to visit neighbors: there's always a little feeling of danger in going somewhere new. Sam's language is coming along also, which makes us happy. I think probably his English is still better, but he may be able to grow up bilingual, which would be awesome.

We found out a church friend is pregnant, which is exciting. It would be fun to have a community of fellow babies.

That's it from here. It's distracted work for the next few weeks and then a new chapter. I'll miss this single-child phase :( It's been fun to have such a great kid, and I hope we are not wrecking his life. Emily still remembers receiving a too-small "big sis" shirt, but Sam probably won't even remember these days. Pray for the older siblings of the world, pressed into growing up before they are even potty trained.

Stuck and Unstuck, The Upside-Down Boy, and Other Tales

I'm writing here, because nothing else is writing well lately. I'm reasonably reassembling old notes into new lectures, inarticulately given in Hard Foreign Language for two versions of the same class. But otherwise.... nada. Revisions: no. Article I need to write: nope. Newsletters for home: not so much. I feel like I have a mix of writer's block, culture shock, and expectant parent distraction all rolled together. Here's hoping things turn around this week....

In other news, Sam is doing fine. We went to church today. Two weeks ago (before the typhoon) and today I took him by myself to Local Church. Emily's having trouble moving and I think when the twins come, it will probably just be me and Sam on Sundays for a while. I want him to feel like he has a home church or two and I can tell he's a little out of sorts going to different places. This week he really enjoyed playing with the older kids. He threw a pink ball at church over and over again and enjoyed the response of the older kid. He would then laugh uncontrollably. But then he didn't sleep very well. A toddler insomniac. He painted in the afternoon with the neighbors, so from his perspective it was probably one of the best days ever. Weekends often feel like marathons to us, however.

We also did our thirty week visit for the little ones. Unfortunately, little boy is now head back up. This makes a c-section a lot more likely. Breach is possible for him, but about 25% of the time this requires birthing number one and then doing a c-section anyways. Further discouraging this option was a story from another American at our hospital who did 44 hours of labor, including two hours of pushing, and still ended up with the c-section. We will see. We still like the doctor. The babies are both healthy weights and moving around. Everything seems to be on track.

Emily is getting larger and larger, and is slowly outgrowing her maternity collection. She's now added almost exactly 20kg since we started at this hospital (~4-5 months). She naps and sleeps a lot, which is hard for her, because there's a lot she wants to do. And she has some swelling now when she's out for part of a day. She won't be on bed rest proper, but she's slowed down substantially.

I still feel like our biggest problem is the anxiety about the future. There are so many unknowns that it has really thrown us. At the same time, we are working on managing better and doing the best preparation we can. We may look into cleaning or babysitting help. I've done some modest nesting this week. We're doing our best to balance out the chaos, the expectation, the fear, and the hopefulness.

Unexpected things that make you happy...

Emily gets up with the baby.

Sleeping in.

Waking up.

Bye-bye family!

Working at home.

Prepping for language class (and feeling like prepping for language class).

A good language class, with a teacher you like.

Mr. Doughnut.

Incredibly loving people who watch over your child while you do other things.

Your child running to greet you when you arrive at nursery school.

Your child's very cute "bye-bye" in English and Northern Island.

A walk in the park.

Encouraging the ill-conceived, messy, and exuberant fountain playing while...

Talking to some other foreigners who are also at the park.

Watching your son play in the sand and then in the fountain again.

Admiring how well-behaved, polite, and non-aggressive your child is.

Wringing out your child's clothing and risking letting him go "commando."

Meeting your wife and walking (slowly, she's pregnant) to dinner.

Getting the diapers.

Eating the dinner (yum!).

Kid is playing in the playground.

Hey, he's on the second level.

He's a little scared, but you can get him down.

(Being a parent makes you feel all-powerful sometimes).

Bye-bye playground!

(Kid is willing to go without making a fuss.)

And get in the car.

Fill up tank.

Go home.

How did it get to be 7?

Before bath, kid watches you pee.

He wants to pee.

He starts to pee by the toilet.

You put him on the toilet, but then he doesn't want to pee anymore.

You take him off the toilet.

You demonstrate peeing: we can pee sitting down or standing up!

He starts peeing next to the toilet.

You put the toilet underneath the pee stream.

We all applaud!

Yes, you are peeing in the toilet!!

Demonstrate emptying the toilet (which he has seen on potty video).

We are all flushing the toilet!!!

Give kid a bath.

And feed him cheese, milk, and yogurt. (Yes, we do sometimes have three dairy products at the same meal.)

Give him his "gum" (actually fluoride, but he is enthusiastic about it because he thinks it is gum, which I am always chewing but which he has never had).

Brush his teeth.

Read books.

Sing "Old McDonald."

Goodnight!

A nice day, all around.

1 year here; Sam is two years and five months

Today is our one year anniversary of coming to Northern Island. It’s hard to believe that it’s already been a year (two if you count the 2005-2006 school year), or that it took some time to arrange and execute. Some of you remember that the forced rout out of the garden state was unpleasant. It included two periods of packing, a bout of food-poisoning, multiple stabs at getting a visa (including health checks for the three of us), end of semester grading, frantic conference paper writing, extended extended-family time (mostly very good), and general post-semester exhaustion. In July and August there was a conference, orientation, a trip home, and finally the final packing. It makes me exhausted remembering it. Em’s parents put us in the car to Columbus, and my parents got us out on time (I left several things with my dad since we were overweight on baggage). Not a clean exit by any stretch of the imagination, but a successful one.

The rest has been easier. We arrived to find that our boxes had made their six week journey and were piled up in our new apartment. With three rooms (including an open study space), a nice living-eating area, and great views, this is the biggest place we’ve lived as adults. We re-started language. Emily’s now done five semesters of Mandarin. I’ve added another year and have begun Taiwanese. Sam was weaned, not by any action on his part, but simply because Emily’s pregnancy tapered him off. He’s a happy preschooler, and is taking the first steps towards potty-training (he enthusiastically sits on the toilet, having read books and watched a video about it, but doesn’t seem to understand that there’s more to it than sitting). Emily is the reluctant host to future twins, a boy (head down) and a girl (head up). We think we have a good hospital.

Emily completed her practicum and, if she finishes her pre-proposal will “only” have the dissertation to write. She’s been working on the proposal all summer and hopes to present it via skype sometime this fall. I’m working on too many projects, but am also making progress. I’ve felt a bit stuck the last month, but slowly untangling things and regaining momentum.

It’s still pretty easy to be overwhelmed by the logistics of life. We got our visa in, but need to work more on other things. We definitely need to do some house organization, and perhaps explore vehicle options, since the care we’re using won’t fit three car seats. That said, we can eat in the cafeteria again, which provides a good chance to meet students and cuts down on cooking/cleaning. We’re also getting a little better at asking for help.

Some Sam updates… Sam is working on potty training. He sits happily on the potty although he hasn’t yet figured out what to do. Twice he has peed near to the potty, which we’re figuring is a step in the right direction. Today he is officially two years and five months old. We had his baby-sitter teens over today, who tired him out properly so that now he is sleeping very well. He’s very cute with the sitters. They’re fifteen and eighteen and he really enjoys playing with them. He wasn’t at all upset when we left, but was sad when they left (and then fell asleep immediately). Now it’s a fairly relaxing Saturday afternoon and life is looking better.

Other updates? Sam’s favorite book recently is the Alaska book, but he still likes Clifford, Sam I Am, his animal book, the duck book, and others. His favorite song is now “Old McDonald,” which we use if he’s starting to break down and needs distraction.

That’s our life on the island. Today it’s blue skies and a lot of green, and the frantic nature of the weak seems to have quieted.

Good day with somewhat fussy kid

This week has been a bit of a wash. Fast retreat, some drama over assorted projects, need to get visa moving, etc, etc, etc. So Saturday rolls around and it struck that perfect toddler balance of (1) a fair amount of joy, bliss, kid happiness, and (2) some tantrums, whining, and frustration. Sam is just a really fine kid, and yet today was a little hard on us. He woke up early. We let him watch some DVDs. We set up our little toddler pool nearby, and he did fine in the morning, playing happily for about an hour. The sun shifted and we came in (he was okay about it). He took a huge nap (me too since I have been sleeping weird). Then he was just kind of fussy when he woke up. He really wanted to go back to the pool. I took him but it wasn't a great time (buggy). I brought him in to switch with Em and he did the full crocodile tears-fussing-whining deal. Emily took him back out which went better. We went to dinner at a little pizza place down the mountain. As soon as we went in he started complaining: "outside, outside, outside." Emily eventually let him walk outside for a while as we waited for dinner to come. Then everything else was smooth: dinner, a very nice walk, a ride home, toothbrushing and book, bedtime. This was a pretty normal Saturday for us. Good kid. A bit exhausting. Hope he stays mostly adorable. Still not sure we can handle two more.

Excitement and fear

Boating

At Nine Ethnicities Park

Sam in cable car

He would have happily sat here all day if we'd let him

Last night I hung out with the Baptists across the street (they're the local English church, and they are always hospitable). There I met another American with an older kid and then two younger ones, almost the same age (one was adopted). He offered this folk advice: the transition to marriage was not hard for him, but adding a kid was a huge adjustment, adding the second was not bad, but going to three was the biggest change he's had. He suggested the type of bargain I've seen others make, where one parent is "on" for a night or two and then the other is on. He said you can only see hope if you know you'll get a good night's sleep eventually. He also said that initially they would sometimes each take a kid, but in the long run it was better to just have one parent take both children. This is sounding about right to me, even if it's a little depressing.

I know we shouldn't be this scared, but it's still a bit scary to think of the adjustment it will be. (I will also say that most parents of twins have said basically, "it will be as bad as you can imagine it will be.") I think I will have to rotate the following mantras: this isn't forever, we can ask for help, it's suffering now but then a lifetime of knowing each other... Any I missed? Our situation actually isn't bad. We're probably going to need to consolidate language study into blocks (5 hours 2x/week) and I'll have to figure out some ways to make the limited teaching better. Ok, enough of the frightened rant.

We just came back from two days of retreat, and it was a great experience. We went to a touristy destination, but were surprised that there seemed to be no foreigners. I'm not totally loving it when people take lots of pictures of Sam, but I guess if he doesn't mind it's not a big deal. He's gotten to the stage where if people are too touchy he let's them know. He learned to say "rain" and "boat" in Chinese on this trip, which were both good things. I got in some bonding with some pastors and their families. All in all, a good trip.

Parenting Classes

These are three pictures from our trip to a riverfront town to our north, about a month ago.

Yesterday we did our first parenting class in Northern Island. It was pretty interesting. Whereas in the States our parenting classes were a fee-based series that treated infant care and childbirth, here the hospital provides basically a series of large free lectures on major topics (birth process, nursing, breathing, after birth). The one yesterday was on breastfeeding and the birth process. The section on the birth process treated c-sections and natural birth, pain control and anesthesia, things that can go wrong, etc. It was fairly clinical and straight-forward, which I appreciated. I was surprised by a few things. The hospital was very pro-breastfeeding and taught things like avoiding pacifiers and bottles in the beginning. They showed us how small the babies’ tummies are to begin with and how they expand during the first ten days. They offered feeding advice. I would say in our birthing class in the States they pretty much avoided this and the nurses in the US were anti-nursing (gave Sam a pacifier when we said not to, high anxiety over how much he milk he was getting in the first day, etc.). Anyway, I think this is a very good hospital and we will be happy there. I think I could come around to having hospitals be the center for medical care, where you get scales of efficiency, instead of everything run out of little offices open 9-5 that refer you to specialists. I know every system has problems, and I may well eat my words later.

We’re back into language again. Emily hit a wall on Monday and I hit mine on Friday. I think we’re both basically doing well, but weren’t quite ready to head back into school. I only really had two weeks after the end of the semester and our cold/Sam’s class being closed killed one of those weeks. My brother once laid out the stages of parenting as: (1) complaining about how tired you are, (2) complaining about how sick you are, (3) complaining about all the activities you have to take your kids to. Right now we’re in #2, but we’re about to regress to #1. The flip side of all of this is that it’s a sunny July, we have some kid care that will let us eventually finish our work, and we could probably take a week or two at the beginning of September to get caught back up. Emily seems physically quite well, for which we are very thankful. The daily sickness has dissipated and the hugeness has not yet arrived.

That’s the news here. Oh, and it’s a boy and a girl we learned a week ago Friday. We saw the boy on the ultrasound first, so I think Emily was worried. (Although three boys could have been fun also.) It will be interesting to see the dynamics of the three. I hope big brother is up to the task.